INTRODUCING THE REALLY SERIOUS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION CLUB (TRSNYRC)

1.50 pm, December 31st, 2008: So I sit here, with an industrial wedge of Christmas cake to my left side and a pint of port to my right and I think: “Are you really going to do this?” And the answer is yes. Against my better judgement, I am. Really. I am going to create The Really Serious New Year’s Resolution Club. Which, for someone with an innate suspicion of New Year Resolutions, is some decision to take.

It is, of course, a selfish decision. My decisions invariably are. Put simply, I am looking for a little moral support.

I spent much of my youth scribbling down hopelessly comprehensive New Year Resolution lists – they invariably included learning Spanish and the guitar, for some reason (to this day, I cannot utter a syllable nor plectrum a note) – which had invariably been mislaid or discarded by the end of January.

Perhaps, though, I could persevere through to mid-February at least as a member of a community.

I don’t know why I was perennially unable to stick to my self-imposed tasks. I used, as far as I recall, to possess a modicum of willpower. As a child and student, indeed, I may have had too much, which may explain why I ran out of the stuff in later life. Today, I boast the willpower of a sprinter. Or rather, a 100-metre jogger. Recently, I went to the gym almost daily for an entire six weeks before my attention was diverted. Perhaps, deep down, I did not believe in the very idea of 12-month resolutions. To be quite honest, I’m not sure I do now, although I’ve chosen to overlook that unsettling thought for the time being.

I have spent the last two months assiduously preparing for the launch of the TRSNYRC. By not returning to the gym, by not eating healthily, by not, indeed, doing anything much at all. My slovenliness has been all-encompassing and unconfined. I am now perfectly geared to improving my less-than-impressive life. All I have to do is to make a decision. What should I resolve? And how should I go about it?

All I know is that it will not involve guitars or anything to do with Spain. I have a few hours more to make a decision.

First, however, I shall endeavour to discover a community of like-minded sloths. I hope that you share my fundamental aversion to self-improvement, to New Year’s Resolutions, indeed, and to self-help books. But I also hope that, ever so secretly, you have always wished something for yourself which always seemed beyond your reach or your capabilities. Perhaps, with our moral support, you could take a few tentative steps in that right direction. Through to mid-February at least.

All societies, of course, have their own arcane rules. The RSNYRC – it currently boasts eight members of varying enthusiasm, which is not bad for a rather vague-and-still-evolving notion - is no different. Should you wish to join, email me at tonylawrence3@hotmail.com and I shall be glad to send them on to you.

Tony Lawrence
Head Sloth
Somewhere in the South of England