I Just Knew Boot Boy Would Say That...

9pm, Saturday, January 3 - In all honesty, I saw it coming. It had to happen and, on reflection, it had to come at the hand of Burgess Hill Boot Boy Jonathan. Thus it is that TRSNYRC tastes its first reverse.

“F*** off,” were Boot Boy’s exact words when I suggested today that he might like to join us. A tirade followed. I don’t remember much of what he said – I was wearing a large saucepan over my head at the time, as his two primary-school tykes bombarded me with cashew nuts and lime jelly left over from their tea – but it was something along the lines of New Year resolutions being smug, and him being happy with who he was, and how he always walked in the opposite direction to the crowd.

Boot Boy, I already knew, is not a man to meddle with. For a start, he is 8ft 6ins tall in his socks and believes hanging is too good for hoodies. And he fires from the hip. His lovely fragrant wife, a woman as far removed as Boot Girl as one could imagine, says he suffers from foot-in-mouth. She recounts a marvellous story when Boot Boy, puffing on his fag at a party, was informed by a 5ft 4ins man that he had decided to give up smoking from January 1^st. Boot Boy responded with typical subtlety.

“Afraid it might stunt your growth, were you?”

Fragrant Wife, however, has joined the cause. An artist of talent and some discernment, she has decided to produce a sketch for every remaining day of the year. What a fine resolution! Boot Boy, meanwhile, snorted, suggested it would have been more fun if he could have made up resolutions for everybody else (he's probably right on this point at least), ordered a taxi and headed off for a pub quiz.

I ended the visit in fine fashion. Having seen off the temptation of stealing one of Seven-Year-Old’s lemon sherbets this morning, I gracefully declined not one, but two offers of Jaffa Cakes from Fragrant Wife. I continue to amaze myself.

STOP PRESS: Our northern representative, Wigan Tony, has made a good point. Giving something up, he argues, is surely as worthy of praise as taking something up. Wigan Tony is a chimney of long standing. He usually smokes three cheroots at a time. “Giving up me fags is the same as taking up breathing,” he points out. A negative resolution, from his standpoint, has its positive side. I bow to the power of his logic. Negative resolutions are henceforth permitted.