TRSNYRC member reported to police

Day 13, January 13, 11.45pm: The police officer on duty was sympathetic but unequivocal.

"No, Mr Lawrence, I'm afraid there has never been a successful prosecution of nutritional harrassment. Indeed, there is no such criminal offence."

I offered to show him the offending anonymous mobile phone texts but he remained adamant. Obscenities would be quite another matter, of course. "What about civil rather than criminal litiagation?" I suggested as I was ushered to the door.

I may still opt for a private prosecution, of course, once I've worked through the list of suspects.

The first text was the hardest to take.

"Pringles," it said.

Now, as you may know from this blog, I am meant to be losing almost two stone this year from my waistline. That, at least, is what I have foolishly resolved. And Pringles happen to be a particular weakness of mine. Clearly the text came from someone with inside knowledge.

"Sofa sofa stollen and sweets" soon followed. Then: "R u well? It looks like u are wasting away." I turned my phone after the fourth message. "Apple tart," it said. Thank goodness it did not mention warm custard. I might have cracked otherwise.

I will not rest until the miscreant has been named and shamed. I shall keep all my well-wishers posted on developements.

Gawd, I could kill for a Pringle right now.

STOP PRESS: "Deep Fried Mars Bar" landed on my phone this evening. I intend to go back to the police station tomorrow morning.